His thesis is not without some merit, I am a helicopter mother. When Ben was born it was a traumatic event, nothing going to plan and ending in an emergency c-section. This came at the end of a pregnancy in which I had found myself unable to truly believe I would hold a baby in my arms when it ended. I had fallen pregnant very soon after a miscarriage and was too afraid to believe that it would not happen again, it didn't and our perfect boy arrived. Along with the arrival of Ben though came an overwhelming level of anxiety which I was wholly unprepared for. I have always been an uptight and anxious person, but motherhood has taken this to new heights. Simple every day things which had previously been so innocuous, stairs, car rides, the common cold, suddenly became the source of impending doom.
As time has moved on, I have been able to deal with the more irrational and intense aspects of my anxiety. However, my sense of danger around every corner is deeply ingrained and I don't think it will ever be removed from my mothering self.
Every new age my children hit I realise once again, how parenting is a continuous journey, how just when you think you have worked one thing out, you are hit with the next more difficult challenge. I know it is unfair to have my children's ability to take risks and engage with their environment curtailed by my anxious fears. I know that it is unfair and wrong to place my anxiety before their opportunity to make mistakes and learn things for themselves, I can not control everything. I know all these things, but sometimes it is hard to put them into practise.
This evening we went for a lovely walk on a pier on the shores of Lake Ontario. Walking on a jetty, the scenery was beautiful, but we were surrounded by deep and murky waters, with no rails to hold us in. My mind was only half in the moment, I was busy scanning the surroundings, always assessing the risks. Ben wanted to climb on some rocks alongside the water, I did not want him too, lucky for him his father was there allowing him to take some calculated risks.
I found myself studying the couple walking nearby with their baby strapped safely into it's stroller and regarding them with an element of envy, recalling how simple life was when you could strap your child down, harnessing them from lurking dangers. If only it could stay that simple, if only we could always protect them from harm. It isn't of course, children need to make mistakes to become who they are meant to be, they need to have the chance to fall, to stare into the face of danger and learn how to protect themselves. The truly scary thing is me learning to let go, to recognize that to be a good mother is to be able to let your child fall down, to know that your feelings of anxiety are secondary to your child's need to experience independence (within reason).
It is a good thing that parenting is a continuum, if we had to consider it as a whole probably most of us would never undertake it. In the beginning when you are concerned with the viability of a pregnancy or the seeming fragility of a an infant and the responsibility of ensuring their survival, it is hard to imagine the complexities that lie ahead. When we undertook the commitment to be parents I never imagined that one day I would be challenged to ensure that my own neuroses did not come before my children, that I would have to work hard to balance my own needs with my offspring. It is not all sacrifice though, parenting stretches out capacities to unimagined depths and reveals strength of character that without our children we would never know existed, children are our teachers too, helping us become the parents we are meant to be.
So, we are trying to navigate this Ben and I, it is far from perfect, I will make more mistakes but I will let him go a little bit more and give him more of the freedom he craves. I will recognize a little more that I may be his mother but that does not give me the right to control all things. Deep breaths all round......
3 comments:
I can relate to this. I have to be very careful not to limit what my boys can do based on my own fears and reservations, which I realise are over the top often. Can't help it, but certain activities are only allowed if the Dr is around! Cx
You're not alone! I do want to highly recommend the book "Free range kids" by Lenore Skenazy - I found it very helpful.
beautiful and honest post. Isn't that so what parenting is about.... going slow and intentionally asking what our children need at each stage.... it's such a growing process. I often think about how hard becoming a mother in law will be!!!! Grace required xx
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